


The Birds and the Butterscotch

by TheDeathEcchi



Category: Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
Genre: F/F, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 02:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2134032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeathEcchi/pseuds/TheDeathEcchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vanellope would gladly go through the Turbo disaster a thousand times over if it meant she could avoid having the sex talk with her friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Butterscotch

"Ow! Geez, Sour Bill, you hands are like linoleum!"

The lime-green squire let out a bored sigh. "Sorry, princess."

"President! President, remember?" corrected Vanellope, adjusting herself on the massage table. "And all I ask is you be a little more tender. That's grade-A Vanellope yer smoothin', buster!"

It was a rare sort of time for the arcade. The owner, Mr. Litwack, had taken a vacation, month-long, and had shut down the arcade for the duration. The denizens of the various games were free to come and go as they pleased from every world available; with no fear of unplugging. And no work for a while meant they could recharge their batteries (if you'll pardon the expression) with vacations of their own.

In Sugar Rush, the citizens, ruled by their benevolent space-cadet leader Vanellope, took it upon themselves to enjoy the reprieve, mostly in other games.

All but one.

Three gentle knocks sounded at the door, making Vanellope perk up and her eyes glow. "She's here, she's here!" Without even thinking, she leapt from the massage table and raced to the door, yanking it open.

On the other side stood a smiling Taffyta, toting an enormous bag of sweets, signature lollipop dangling from her mouth. "Good morning, Vanelloooohmygosh."

"Taffy!" squealed the brunette, glomping the flustered blonde. "I've missed you so!"

"Y-You just saw me yesterday." laughed Taffyta nervously, trying her hardest to look anywhere but at the racer pinning her to the ground. "V...you mind putting some clothes on?"

Vanellope, face now scarlet, leapt off Taffyta, scratching the back of her head sheepishly. "Sorry..." she mumbled. "Sour Bill was giving me a massage--a bad one--and I guess I--"

Taffyta held up a hand. "Hang on...massage?"

"Yuh-huh."

A coy look crossed Taffyta's face, and she swiveled her lollipop as she eyed Vanellope's form, embarrassment gone. "On second thought..." she said, reaching out to tilt the brunette's face up to meet hers. "Keep your clothes off."

-/-/-/-/-

"Oooooooooh, _yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..._ " Vanellope's soft, pleasured moans echoed throughout the throne room, and she felt herself practically melt at her girlfriend's touches, and if she were to die right now, she'd have no regrets. "Blondie, your hands are like, magic. They should have their own spot in the Casino Zone."

"Not a chance." Taffyta grinned, running her hands down Vanellope's velvety smooth skin. "My hands are the rightful property of Her Presidency Vanellope Von Schweetz."

"And don't you forget it, hun." She shuddered in ecstasy as Taffyta's fingers pressed right into her shoulder blades, a satisfying _crack_ coming from them as the tension was lifted. "How'd I get so lucky to snag you?"

"You didn't. I made the first move."

Vanellope let out a low chuckle and batted her eyelashes at the blonde. "Yer darn right."

Admittedly, there were just as many people who didn't expect Vanellope and Taffyta to become a couple as there were who _did._ After the chaos with Turbo and the reveal that Vanellope had been their former princess, first to come had been a mountain of apologies for their behavior, mostly from Taffyta. But Vanellope's kindness was in her code, and she was quick to forgive and forget, letting bygones be bygones. But not Taffyta.

She was relentless in her methods to make it up to the racer, and she followed her day and night, begging to receive some form of punishment, as though it would make things right. At first, Vanellope found it endearing, but soon, it became annoying. When she had woken up to find the distressed blonde in her bedchamber, that was the last straw.

Vanellope had been all set to deliver the grandmother of all tell-offs, when Taffyta had silenced her. With her mouth. Which, admittedly, had been pretty effective.

The brunette blushed at the memory of Taffyta's boldness, recalling the joyous yet serene look in the girl's eye, the faint pink hue her cheeks took on, the sweet, intoxicating smell of her cookie dough-scented shampoo. A long makeout session later and the matter had been settled; she and Taffyya were dating.

"What're you thinking about?" smirked Taffyta, recognizing the soppy look Vanellope got on her face whenever she drifted to a good memory.

"Nooooothin'." she replied, grinning. What're _you_ thinking about?"

"What if I said 'you in a really nice two-piece?'"

The intense blush on Vanellope's face was all the answer she needed.

"Hey...no one else is in the castle, right?"

"Right..."

"And you're not expecting company, are you?"

"No..." Vanellope quirked an eyebrow. "What're you getting at?"

Her answer was received in the form of Taffyta moving her hands further down until they cupped her girlfriend's bottom. "H-Hey! What's the deal, Gropey McPawhands?"

"I'm not doing anything..." giggled Taffyta, giving the girl's rump a firm squeeze, making Vanellope 'eep'. "Just exercising my privilege to molest my girlfriend."

Vanellope turned over so she was on her back, facing the blonde with her signature grin. "And just who bestowed you that privilege?"

Taffyta leaned forward and gave Vanellope a light kiss on her cheek. "You did."

"And don't you forget it." she shot back, wrapping her arms around the girl's neck and pulling her close.

Something you should probably know, if you don't already. Vanellope was a bit of a scatterbrain. It's not that she forgot things often, just enough that it was a minor issue; papers to sign, staff to delegate, clean her kart, things like that. But one thing she forgot, especially today, when her girlfriend was visiting, was extra important.

It was to lock the door to the throne room.

"Hey-oh!" came Ralph's exuberant yell as he burst through the door, literally. But, lightning fast as usual was Felix, patching up the door with a few whacks of his trusty hammer. Behind him marched Calhoun, in her combat gear, as usual. However, her normally intimidating scowl turned into one of surprise as she took in the sight of Taffyta lying on top of a very naked Vanellope.

 _"Oh, my land!"_ screamed Felix just as Ralph covered the repairman's eyes with his massive hands.

 ** _"GET OUT!"_** screeched Vanellope and Taffyta in perfect unison, causing the trio to beat a hasty retreat.

-/-/-/-/-

"So that happened." mused Calhoun. She sat in the lobby with Ralph and Felix, cleaning her gun, barely drawing to attention what they had just witnessed. 

"No, it didn't." Ralph said adamantly. Outwardly, he was perfectly calm and stoic. On the inside, he was sobbing like a newborn, and he wished more than anything that he could forget the last few moments.

"Really?" grinned Calhoun. "'Cuz I could've sworn it did. And believe me, you don't mistake something like that for anything else."

Ralph was in the sergeant's face so quickly it took a second to register. He placed his hands on Calhoun's shoulders, giving her the most intense glare she'd ever seen him muster.

"It...didn't...happen."

There was a painfully long moment of silence. "Remove your hands from my person, Wreck-It."

Ralph gulped nervously, retracting his hands. "Sorry, Cal."

Three pairs of eyes turned at the sound of the throne room door opening, an incredibly peeved Vanellope stepping out, clothed in a bathrobe. Behind her appeared Taffyta, looking just as cross.

"Have you guys EVER heard of knock--"

"IT'S TOO SOON!" Felix, Calhoun, Vanellope, and Taffyta stared at Ralph in shock as the wrecker leapt forward, gripping the brunette's ankles. "IT'S ALL TOO SOON!"

"Can someone get Stinkbrain off me!?" yelled Vanellope, shaking her leg.

"On your feet, soldier!" yelled Calhoun, stomping over and yanking Ralph up by his hair. "Pull yourself together!" Without even waiting for a reply, she delivered a piercing slap, the sound resonating throughout the castle.

Ralph winced and rubbed the spot on his cheek. "Sorry. I needed that."

"What did he mean by 'too soon'?" asked Taffyta, pulling her lollipop out with a flourish.

Felix took that as his cue. "Girls, what Ralph meant to say is...you're both young, and I know you have certain...urges..."

"Oh, cheesecake..." groaned Vanellope, burying her red face in her hands. "Felix, can we not talk about this, _please_?"

"No, ma'am, this needs to be addressed immediately!"

"......Well?" remarked Taffyta, returning to sucking on her lollipop. "Enlighten us, Felix."

The repairman's face became pale as death, and he scooted away. "Ralph? You wanna handle this one, brother?" 

"ABSOLUTELY!" yelled Ralph, making everyone in the room jump. "Vanellope, Taffyta, lemme tell you two about sex, and why you won't be having it."

"Good gobstopper kill me now." whined Vanellope falling to her knees. 

"Sex is dangerous!" Ralph snapped, furrowing his brow. "It's dangerous and icky and young girls shouldn't be having it!"

"What would you know about the beast with two backs, rookie?" smirked Calhoun, folding her arms.

"A...A lot!" huffed Ralph, digging himself deeper.

"Really, then?" The sergeant leaned in terrifyingly close to the wrecker's face. "Why don't you describe to these nice young girls what cunnilingus is, then?"

 _fwump_ went the sound of Felix hitting the floor in a faint. Sighing, Calhoun picked him up and doing him over her shoulders potato sack style. "Vanellope, where's the infirmary?"

"Head out here, turn left and it's the third door on your right." 

"Got it." With that, she left, but not before giving Ralph a devious grin.

"Alright, Ralph," sighed Vanellope. "You've made your point. Just...just please go."

"So you and Miss Stretchy Skirt can do some candy hanky-panky?" snarled Ralph. "I don't think so!"

"I want to die." wailed Vanellope. "I want to actually physically die."

Taffyta pressed a pair of fingers to her temple. This is not at all how she expected the day to go. It was time to take center stage.

"Ralph." spoke the blonde. "I am about to give you two choices. One of them leads to certain death."

Ralph raised an eyebrow. "For who?"

"For you."

"...Doesn't that mean there's only one choice?"

"Look who's learning." Taffyta held up a finger. "Option 1. You turn around, leave right this second, and don't ever bring up sex around either of us again."

Ralph folded his arms. "Option 2?"

"Option 2?" Taffyta chuckled darkly, and Vanellope had to admit that it kind of turned her on. "Option 2 is I tell Calhoun about that little 'road trip' you took with Sonic to the Carnival Night Zone."

All the color instantly drained from Ralph's face, and his smug look fell faster than a ton of bricks he was so used to raining down on the denizens of Niceland. Shakily, he turned to a smirking Vanellope. "You told her?"

"I tell her everything, doy." snarked the brunette, rolling her eyes.

Ralph returned his gaze to Taffyta. "You're bluffing."

The blonde drew herself up to her full height, which was still about half Ralph's and gave him the most defiant look she could muster, speaking two words only.

"Try me."

-/-/-/-/-

"Bye, guys!" waved Vanellope, clutching Taffyta's hand. "It was reeeeeal nice having you here! Visit again sometime!"

Ralph and Calhoun waved back, the former muttering something not meant for ladies' ears. The three began making their way back to the plug, which was the two girls' cue.

"So..." asked Taffyta as they began walking to the royal bedchamber. "What _did_ happen in Carnival Night Zone?" She had been bluffing; Vanellope had only told Taffyta to simply mention the words 'Carnival Night Zone' to get Ralph to back off, but she never knew why.

"Long story short, Ralph is permanently banned from the Carnival Night Zone and Sonic hasn't talked to him in three months."

"Yikes."

"But enough about Ralph." smiled Vanellope. "Your princess demands the royal treatment."

Taffyta grinned as she snaked her hand around Vanellope's waist. "I thought you were a president?"

"Same difference."

**END**


End file.
